Going through a divorce is never easy. Unfortunately, things don’t always get easier when your divorce is over, either. In some cases, your ex may not follow what was included in your divorce decree. In other cases, they may say or do things that you don’t agree with.
Even if you think your ex isn’t listening, there are some things you can do if you don’t feel like they are holding up their end of the bargain after your divorce is final.
Ask Your Attorney to Help With Post Judgement Motions
Not liking something your ex does is one thing. Not following the rules set forth in your divorce decree is quite another. Whether it’s a custody arrangement that’s causing problems or child support issues, if your ex isn’t following what the judge ordered, it’s time to call your attorney.
Enforcement and contempt motions in divorce proceedings are an available option if you need help compelling your ex to do something they are legally bound to do.
Your lawyer could help you:
- File a motion for contempt to get your former spouse to follow orders entered by the court
- File a motion to compel your former spouse to take a certain action
- Offer mediation and collaborative law options so you don’t have to involve the court
Often, just getting your attorney involved is enough. Once your ex-spouse sees that you’re serious about following your divorce decree, they will hopefully comply.
Pick and Choose Your Battles
There are going to be things your spouse does that you don’t like after a divorce. That’s especially true when kids are involved. They may decide to allow the kids to do things that you never would. It can be especially infuriating if your ex knows you don’t like it.
It’s important to pick and choose your battles after your divorce. You may not let the kids eat ice cream for breakfast or stay up past their bedtime just because it’s a Friday night, but in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t really matter.
When you don’t argue about petty things, your ex is more likely to listen when it comes to the things that really matter.
Don’t Hash it Out in Front of the Kids
It’s normal to be angry with your ex. They will likely do and say things that make you mad, or there will be contentious topics that the two of you have to discuss. Try your best to have heated discussions without your kids present.
Name calling and threats stick with children. They can eat away at your family and make your children feel like they’re caught in the middle of a bitter war between their parents. It isn’t uncommon for children to develop mental health issues when their parents—married or not—spend a lot of time fighting.
Don’t bring up sore topics when you’re picking up or dropping off your kids. Plan a phone call for after they go to bed, or plan to meet up without the kids present.
Be Careful Who You Complain To
It can feel good to complain about your ex with a trusted friend. Just make sure you’re careful about who that friend is.
Even if you’re close to members of your ex’s family, it’s a good idea to avoid complaining and ex-bashing when you talk. Even if they care about you deeply, they are likely to side with your ex. Even if they agree that you’re in the right, hearing horrible things about someone they care about can make them uncomfortable.
Be careful with shared friends too. Talking bad about your ex can end friendships, and what you say could come back around to your ex.
Maintain Boundaries That Work For You
Boundaries are important after a divorce. The trick is creating boundaries that work for you.
For example, you might decide that you’re uncomfortable with your ex dropping by. Instead, you would like to plan your interactions ahead of time. You might decide you’re more comfortable communicating over text messages than calls, or you may decide that you don’t want to get together with a group of friends if your ex’s best friend will be there.
It doesn’t matter what they are. Just make sure you create boundaries that make transitioning to your new life without your ex a little easier.
Tell Your Kids Without Demonizing Your Ex
Kids can tell when there’s stuff going on. Instead of pretending like everything is alright, you should talk to your kids.
The trouble is, talking about your ex with your kids is hard! You can make it easier by focusing on the situation instead of the person. It’s okay to share that you’re sad that their dad can’t pick them up today or that their mom can’t make it to their game. Just don’t say anything about why they can’t make it and how you feel about that.
The more you can talk about your ex in a neutral way, the more open you can be with your kids, and the better off everyone will be in the long run.
Let it Go
The entire process of getting divorced is about letting go, but letting go doesn’t end just because your divorce is final.
There will always be things that you need to let go of as your children grow and your relationship with your ex changes. It might be letting go of something they said or something they did, or not letting your child’s preference for who they want to spend time with or where they want to live affect you. Learning techniques like changing your perception, meditating, and replacing your thoughts can help you learn to let go of things that don’t need to take up space rent-free in your head.
Your relationship with your ex will continue to evolve after your divorce. Learn how to stand up for yourself, let things go, and support your children through the process, and you’ll be able to spend more time looking towards the future than back towards the past.